Tag Archives: b-film

Movie, Zombies

The Battery (2012)

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Wow — sometimes I really hate this hobby … reviewing zombie films.  Today I’m reviewing “The Battery” from 2012.  According to All Things Horror on the cover of the DVD, this is “The first must-see zombie film in a hell of a long while.”  If that’s the case, then we’ve been far more desperate than I was possibly aware.

So before I lay into The BAD-tery, let’s figure out a few things … more over, fail to.  I can’t find who “All Things Horror” is online because the name is way too general.  And when you cross your search-terms with “Battery” …. well, you get all-things horror and every brand cell in double-A, triple-A, C, D and so on.

What I can find is the usual Wikipedia, IMDb, and Rotten Tomatoes pages.  So here’s the score …  The film had a budget of $6000.  It was shot in 15 days in Connecticut*, and the scenes were not planned in advance.  There are only 6 zombies for the first hour of the film — that’s 1 zombie for every 10 minutes — so little that I’m not sure this can be called a zombie film.  The film stars debut  director Jeremy Gardner and co-producer Adam Cronheim.  Allegedly their characters are two former baseball players trying to survive a zombie apocalypse — but they’re both so far out of shape clearly they were more likely T-ball coaches trying to hook up with single moms.  Oh, and let’s not forget the gratuitous Z-film breasts …
(* For the record, I have nothing against Connecticut … at this time.)

Watch the extras — this actress said she hated doing the scene, dislikes the name her zombie is know by, and pretty much regrets the role …. and now there are pervy pictures and videos of her all over the net. Given the budget of the film … I doubt she even got a hundred bucks!

So let me give you my rating of The Battery, then tell you what is redeeming about it …

Long & Short, “The Battery” is lucky to get a Yellow Puss rating from me — think more of that putrid orange colour between yellow and red.  It’s dull, it lacks zombies, it doesn’t seem to be going anywhere for an hour, and I’m not sure if it went any where 41 minutes later because I skipped through that part then shut it off.  Frankly, you’ll find this on my “Zombie Films to Avoid” page.

Adam Cronheim and Jeremy Gardner

The Battery isn’t completely garbage —
here’s what I liked about it …

If you’ve read my other Z-film blog posts you’ll know that one of the things is dislike is the constant use of The Journey story arc.  This film doesn’t show the start or reasoning behind the “We have to get from Point-A to Point-B” — it just shows that the main characters are traveling through the zombie apocalypse (that mostly lacks zombies).  Also, one of the characters is frequently making a bid for the duo to stop traveling — to stop being on pointless Journey arc.  This is characteristic of what’s going on in The Battery — it is showing the human side of the experience, the relationship between the two men, that some people (understandably) seek normalcy.  For me this is the redeeming part of the film, what makes watching the first hour bearable … er, I mean, vaguely worthwhile — not much other zombie media offers this.

Outside of that, I skipped the last 30 or 40 minutes of the film — and I think you’d be just as well off to skip all 101 minutes of this film.  But … High Fives to Jeremy Gardner and Adam Cronheim — they got to live their dreams of making and staring in a zombie film and pretending they were baseball players.  Whoopie-Doo!

Here … if you really have to, you can watch The Battery on Tubi.

Movie, Review, Zombies

Undead (2003)

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PSST — if this reads like a draft, it’s because it is — I never went back to finish writing it …. so I figured better to publish this than nothing!

Undead (2003 – US release 2005 … shucks, why’d we have to wait?!?)

Undead is a 2003 Australian zombie science fiction comedy horror film written and directed by Michael and Peter Spierig and starring Felicity Mason, Mungo McKay and Rob Jenkins.

(Not to be confused with the 1957 horror film, The Undead (film).)

Budget AUD $1 million (which in USD that’s $0.75 million)

A fisherman punching zombie fish and when that doesn’t work he starts shooting them …. and then inconveniently gets abducted by aliens.  I hate it when that happens …

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Movie, Review, Zombies

ZA: Zombies Anonymous (2006)

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ZA is a budget Z-flick, but I have to say that whoever made this film knew what they were doing with their iMac and the $20 on-sale digital camera they bought at a liquidator store.  I’m impressed with it enough to rate it Green Ooze.

The concept is well presented through the script and the acting delivers … for a B-film, mind you. The back-story states that for no apparent reason people are no-longer dying, they pass away and then get up and walk away — and now, retaining their human characteristics, they reside within civilization among the living.

Right now I’m only 30 minutes into the film and I’m rather impressed — from the looks of it, the film is really about prejudice among humanity … though the recovery support group aspect is also amusing. Would I tell film fans to make sure they see this flick — no — but Z-film fans who would understand & appreciate it, yeah probably.

By the way, this is also supposed to be a comedy; while there were a few slightly humorous elements, I thought it lacked in this area, but enjoyed the couple of laughs it gave … some of the costume elements were pretty funny too. Oh, and here’s one joke most folks might not catch — around 1hr38m a shotgun that fires 8+ times but likely holds less rounds … that’s funny like in one of the Airplane movies when you see a jet but hear a prop plane, just I don’t think this was intentional.

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Movie, Review, Zombies

Zombies of Mass Destruction (2009)

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Yellow Puss nearing light-Green Ooze

This was a fun film to watch, in fact I viewed it with my parents — my dad didn’t seem to say much but my mom was amused, and we got a kick out of watching it together … so if you’re looking for a Z-film to watch with your mom, this just might be the one!

I believe this was the other zombie film that was being shot in Washington State while I was a part of the making of The Book Of Zombie — the difference being that this B-film actually had some money behind it while the one I was a part of had only scrapings.

I had a laugh in that they kept referring to their location as “the island of Port Gamble” — Port Gamble is in Washington State, but not an island. This film was humorous but without being forced and makes social commentary in similar vein as some of the George A. Romaro films.

Would I recommend it, heck yes — I’ve seen better, I’ve also seen a LOT worse — it was fun!

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Movie, Review, Zombies

Zombie Town (2007)

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The viewing of this Z-film is best left to die-hard zombie fans — I rate it Yellow Puss.

My impression is that this B-film was financially backed by … well, possibly little more than everyone who was directly involved, made in peoples’ spare-time, assembled on an iMac, and acted by people who both wanted to be in this film and others that just agreed to fill bit-parts. I’m not saying that this is a bad thing — this is how the budget Z-film I was an extra in was made — it’s just that I think many viewers would realize that this is how some films (albums, books, etc) are made.

Zombie Town is chocked full of small-town red-necks, bad dialogue and often poor line delivery, and an unnecessary excess of swearing. I was amused to see something more or less new to me in a zombie film — the zombies live for a limited amount of time (24hrs?) and then die, with fanged slug parasites pushing out of the body seeking a new host, however those parasites die when they come into contact with salt … which is kind of like that 80s film where a bunch of university students get over-run by giant leaches from a pod that was carried aboard an alien space-craft … and I don’t know about you, but weird things like that happen to me all the time. Oh, and apparently the zombies can die from salt too — I’m going to have to watch the other 1/2 now.

DUDE — attack of killer zombie grandmothers from bingo!!!

Zombie Town at IMDB

Movie, Review, Zombies

Zombie Wars (2007)

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I rate Zombie Wars as Yellow Puss

This Z-film was a B-film — in fact I fairly well got the impression that when it came to funding and production that these folks were only a little more connected than the folks I worked with who were doing The Book Of Zombie.

I would not recommend that anyone break their neck to see this flick — the acting and action was better than garbage, the writing was debatably better … or maybe worse. I did appreciate that this film showed me something new and different (and no journey) — the zombies in the film have developed a certain amount (albeit low-level) of awareness/communication/leadership. With this they have organized, and without giving too much away, they have captured and been breeding humans for food.

If you want a so-bad-it’s-good film to laugh at, this just may be the flick for you.

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Zombies Zombies Zombies (2008)

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“Zombies! Zombies! Zombies!” … I rate this film Yellow Puss.  By the way, it’s also known as “Strippers vs Zombies” … which is not to be confused with the 2012 film “Zombies Vs. Strippers“.

Zombie strippers, hookers, pimps, and johns … wait, read on … this film isn’t as bad as it sounds. Low budget, but not poorly done. I get the impression that this is another one of those films some friends wrote, produced, directed, and acted in — which usually results in garbage — but this was pretty well done. Is it all that good of a film? Ehh …no. Ask yourself though — are you like me — when you read the title you hear an echo in your head of “Marsha, Marsha, Marsha!”? Seriously … that just might be more disturbing than this film.

Zombies! Zombies! Zombies! IMDB, Wikipedia, and probably most important of all in respects to this film RottenTomatoes

Oh, and here’s the film’s Official Website

Movie, Review, Zombies

A Christmas Horror Story (2015)

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Christmas is drawing near and things are melting down in the town of Bailey Downs … and at best, I rate A Christmas Horror Story as Yellow Puss.

A Christmas Horror Story clearly resides among its own as a B-film.  It attempts to interweave four horror stories, each of which to varying degrees have little if anything to do with Christmas myth.

If you pay closer attention to this pot-boiler than I did, allegedly the framework of these stories are tied together by a character named DJ Dangerous Dan — a lonely late-night radio personality, waxing on about how he loves Xmas while hitting the eggnog while getting understandably abandoned by the radio station staff.

Hi Bill!

DJ Dan is played by none other than James T. Kirk — clearly a retirement job following his service as Captain aboard the infamous Starship Enterprise … who is probably the only actor you will recognize.

First Story – Three teens break into their school to investigate two murders that occurred the previous year. They mysteriously get locked in the basement  and then — SURPRISE — the horror begins!  This story has nothing to do with Christmas.

Second Story – A husband, wife, and their son go into the woods to chop down a Christmas tree.  The son wanders off and gets switched for a changeling who mimics him and then — SURPRISE — the horror begins!  Aside from the Pagany changeling and Christmas tree, this story too has nothing to do with Christmas.  In other words, these first two stories are just FILLER to justify bringing William Shatner into the film and to bolster the other two stories into a 107 minute B-movie made in Canada.

Third Story – A yuppie family of four visit their elderly aunt and behave poorly.  This attracts the attention of Krampus and while on their way home they are picked off one at a time.  This is the first portion of the story where the filmmakers take liberties with Krampus mythos …. but then HolloWood has given us far worse.   As a result this story has a little to do with Christmas.

Fourth Story – A fittingly Nordic-looking Santa Claus is at his workshop preparing for a busy Christmas when he discovers that his elves and Mrs. Claus have turned into zombies.  He manages to kill them all and then for an unapparent reason Santa is then forced to fight Krampus.  This is where the filmmakers quite unfortunately took the most gross liberties with the Krampus character (AKA Black Peter).  Krampus gets turned into a villain — white hats, black hats … everyone needs a villain — the problem though is that in Krampus mythos he is only a threat to bad kids/people.  In fact, Krampus and St. Nick have always worked together — on Krampusnacht (Krampus night) around December 5th he arrived to punish children who have misbehaved while of course Saint Nicholas would reward well-behaved children with gifts.  In other words, when Krampus became suppressed his tasks were given to Santa who would ‘make his list of who’s naughty and nice’.

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Movie, Review, Zombies

Cemetery Man (1994)

This is perhaps one of the worst reviews I could give.  I put this DVD in my player, watched the trailer, and popped the disc back out.  The preview looked so-so, but being a zombie film my think is to watch it still — because if I only watched the well-made Z-films then I’d only have about a dozen reviews and all of them would be on my Favourites List.  The issue that I had with Cemetery Man was that it was subtitled and did not have a language over-dub option, and at the time I didn’t have time to watch a film that required me to read (I usually work on something while I watch a film at home, usually my laptop).  I’ve been told that an over-dub version followed the 1994 release a few years later — so I may try to get my hands on that and give this film another go.  Still, IMDB indicates that this film had a $4-million budget (which is not just low but it is LOW) and grossed $253,969 at the US box-office ….. so how much of a film am I missing here really?!?

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