Tag Archives: B-movie

Movie, Zombies

The Battery (2012)

Leave a comment

Wow — sometimes I really hate this hobby … reviewing zombie films.  Today I’m reviewing “The Battery” from 2012.  According to All Things Horror on the cover of the DVD, this is “The first must-see zombie film in a hell of a long while.”  If that’s the case, then we’ve been far more desperate than I was possibly aware.

So before I lay into The BAD-tery, let’s figure out a few things … more over, fail to.  I can’t find who “All Things Horror” is online because the name is way too general.  And when you cross your search-terms with “Battery” …. well, you get all-things horror and every brand cell in double-A, triple-A, C, D and so on.

What I can find is the usual Wikipedia, IMDb, and Rotten Tomatoes pages.  So here’s the score …  The film had a budget of $6000.  It was shot in 15 days in Connecticut*, and the scenes were not planned in advance.  There are only 6 zombies for the first hour of the film — that’s 1 zombie for every 10 minutes — so little that I’m not sure this can be called a zombie film.  The film stars debut  director Jeremy Gardner and co-producer Adam Cronheim.  Allegedly their characters are two former baseball players trying to survive a zombie apocalypse — but they’re both so far out of shape clearly they were more likely T-ball coaches trying to hook up with single moms.  Oh, and let’s not forget the gratuitous Z-film breasts …
(* For the record, I have nothing against Connecticut … at this time.)

Watch the extras — this actress said she hated doing the scene, dislikes the name her zombie is know by, and pretty much regrets the role …. and now there are pervy pictures and videos of her all over the net. Given the budget of the film … I doubt she even got a hundred bucks!

So let me give you my rating of The Battery, then tell you what is redeeming about it …

Long & Short, “The Battery” is lucky to get a Yellow Puss rating from me — think more of that putrid orange colour between yellow and red.  It’s dull, it lacks zombies, it doesn’t seem to be going anywhere for an hour, and I’m not sure if it went any where 41 minutes later because I skipped through that part then shut it off.  Frankly, you’ll find this on my “Zombie Films to Avoid” page.

Adam Cronheim and Jeremy Gardner

The Battery isn’t completely garbage —
here’s what I liked about it …

If you’ve read my other Z-film blog posts you’ll know that one of the things is dislike is the constant use of The Journey story arc.  This film doesn’t show the start or reasoning behind the “We have to get from Point-A to Point-B” — it just shows that the main characters are traveling through the zombie apocalypse (that mostly lacks zombies).  Also, one of the characters is frequently making a bid for the duo to stop traveling — to stop being on pointless Journey arc.  This is characteristic of what’s going on in The Battery — it is showing the human side of the experience, the relationship between the two men, that some people (understandably) seek normalcy.  For me this is the redeeming part of the film, what makes watching the first hour bearable … er, I mean, vaguely worthwhile — not much other zombie media offers this.

Outside of that, I skipped the last 30 or 40 minutes of the film — and I think you’d be just as well off to skip all 101 minutes of this film.  But … High Fives to Jeremy Gardner and Adam Cronheim — they got to live their dreams of making and staring in a zombie film and pretending they were baseball players.  Whoopie-Doo!

Here … if you really have to, you can watch The Battery on Tubi.

Movie, Review, Zombies

Nightmare Alley (2010)

Leave a comment

AVOID THIS GARBAGEDon’t bother with Nightmare Alley(2010).  My impression of this “film” is that some people in the same low-rent apartment complex got together and made this film — shooting it, acting it, writing it, producing it — everything.  There are some zombie cowboys in the first vignette, but the whole thing is maybe at best only worth lining the bottom of a trash can.  Nightmare Alley (2010)

BagpiperDon rates Nightmare Alley as . . .
Red Blood

Nightmare Alley can be found on IMDb.  However, this film is so bad I couldn’t find it on Rotten Tomatoes.  Be advised, this Nightmare Alley should not to be confused with the 1947 “Nightmare Alley“ by Tyrone Power.

Nightmare Alley is so bad it is listed on

BagpiperDon’s list of Zombie Films To Avoid

Movie, Review, Zombies

Raiders of the Damned (2007)

Leave a comment

Raiders of the Damned (2007)As soon as I started watching Raiders of the Damned (2007) I noted a newly-learned familiar stink.  YEP … this film gets rated Red Blood and is on the BagpiperDon’s Zombie Films To Avoid.

This should be an ideal film for me — containing both zombies and Sci-Fi — but this is made by a garbage movie company called The Asylum, which LARGELY JUST RIPS OFF OTHER FILMS.  Once you’ve accidentally seen a few Asylum films, you get familiar with their stink.

Garbage, Garbage, Garbage…

The zombie costumes and weapons are laughable, and their make-up is just plain bad.  The lacking story line is only outdone by the dribbling charactre development — and posturing of hokey military badassedness.  The description sounds like it should have something, but it just isn’t there.

Raiders of the Damned (2007)

When all is said and done, this film too will make no careers of its unknown actors who either can’t act or lack worthy direction, nor will this film win an Oscar … hell, it might be so bad it wouldn’t even win acknowledgement from The Razzies.

Even when it’s bad Z/B-film, for the sake of these reviews and my project I tend to finish a flick even if I am not directly watching it, but I shut this one off 20 minutes in — the people who want to see something that will make SyFy Channel films look good can have the additional 67 minutes.

LINKS
Movie, Review, Zombies

ZA: Zombies Anonymous (2006)

Leave a comment

ZA is a budget Z-flick, but I have to say that whoever made this film knew what they were doing with their iMac and the $20 on-sale digital camera they bought at a liquidator store.  I’m impressed with it enough to rate it Green Ooze.

The concept is well presented through the script and the acting delivers … for a B-film, mind you. The back-story states that for no apparent reason people are no-longer dying, they pass away and then get up and walk away — and now, retaining their human characteristics, they reside within civilization among the living.

Right now I’m only 30 minutes into the film and I’m rather impressed — from the looks of it, the film is really about prejudice among humanity … though the recovery support group aspect is also amusing. Would I tell film fans to make sure they see this flick — no — but Z-film fans who would understand & appreciate it, yeah probably.

By the way, this is also supposed to be a comedy; while there were a few slightly humorous elements, I thought it lacked in this area, but enjoyed the couple of laughs it gave … some of the costume elements were pretty funny too. Oh, and here’s one joke most folks might not catch — around 1hr38m a shotgun that fires 8+ times but likely holds less rounds … that’s funny like in one of the Airplane movies when you see a jet but hear a prop plane, just I don’t think this was intentional.

Links

Movie, Review, Zombies

Zombies of Mass Destruction (2009)

Leave a comment

Yellow Puss nearing light-Green Ooze

This was a fun film to watch, in fact I viewed it with my parents — my dad didn’t seem to say much but my mom was amused, and we got a kick out of watching it together … so if you’re looking for a Z-film to watch with your mom, this just might be the one!

I believe this was the other zombie film that was being shot in Washington State while I was a part of the making of The Book Of Zombie — the difference being that this B-film actually had some money behind it while the one I was a part of had only scrapings.

I had a laugh in that they kept referring to their location as “the island of Port Gamble” — Port Gamble is in Washington State, but not an island. This film was humorous but without being forced and makes social commentary in similar vein as some of the George A. Romaro films.

Would I recommend it, heck yes — I’ve seen better, I’ve also seen a LOT worse — it was fun!

Links

Movie, Review, Zombies

Zombie Town (2007)

Leave a comment

The viewing of this Z-film is best left to die-hard zombie fans — I rate it Yellow Puss.

My impression is that this B-film was financially backed by … well, possibly little more than everyone who was directly involved, made in peoples’ spare-time, assembled on an iMac, and acted by people who both wanted to be in this film and others that just agreed to fill bit-parts. I’m not saying that this is a bad thing — this is how the budget Z-film I was an extra in was made — it’s just that I think many viewers would realize that this is how some films (albums, books, etc) are made.

Zombie Town is chocked full of small-town red-necks, bad dialogue and often poor line delivery, and an unnecessary excess of swearing. I was amused to see something more or less new to me in a zombie film — the zombies live for a limited amount of time (24hrs?) and then die, with fanged slug parasites pushing out of the body seeking a new host, however those parasites die when they come into contact with salt … which is kind of like that 80s film where a bunch of university students get over-run by giant leaches from a pod that was carried aboard an alien space-craft … and I don’t know about you, but weird things like that happen to me all the time. Oh, and apparently the zombies can die from salt too — I’m going to have to watch the other 1/2 now.

DUDE — attack of killer zombie grandmothers from bingo!!!

Zombie Town at IMDB

Movie, Review, Zombies

Zombie Wars (2007)

Leave a comment

I rate Zombie Wars as Yellow Puss

This Z-film was a B-film — in fact I fairly well got the impression that when it came to funding and production that these folks were only a little more connected than the folks I worked with who were doing The Book Of Zombie.

I would not recommend that anyone break their neck to see this flick — the acting and action was better than garbage, the writing was debatably better … or maybe worse. I did appreciate that this film showed me something new and different (and no journey) — the zombies in the film have developed a certain amount (albeit low-level) of awareness/communication/leadership. With this they have organized, and without giving too much away, they have captured and been breeding humans for food.

If you want a so-bad-it’s-good film to laugh at, this just may be the flick for you.

Links

Movie, Review, Zombies

Navy SEALs Vs. Zombies (2015)

Leave a comment
Navy Seals vs. Zombies, Navy Seals vs. Zombies
AKA Navy Seals vs. Zombies

After a deadly zombie outbreak in Louisiana, a team of highly skilled U.S. Navy SEALs are sent into  Baton Rouge to rescue the Vice President.  Embarking on the battle of their lives, they must fight for the city and their survival against an army of the undead.

That sounds pretty good right?  For zombie films it sounds par for course — and let’s face it, Z-film par has a history of being schlocky.  While I have seen worse (not to mention better, Much BETTER), this seems to be a throw-back to 1970s and 1980s schlock.

B-film SEALs
The guys — ready to go fishing!

Navy SEALs Vs. Zombies came up when I searched my local library system’s website for all-things ‘zombie’.  Surprisingly, enough other people where interested it took weeks to become first in the cue.  Watching this, I give it a Yellow Puss rating.  Don’t break your neck to see this film — if you are a zombie fan with a couple of hours to kill on the weekend and need to recharge your batteries, crash your couch and check it out.

I'd date her
Who needs a good script when there’s at least one pretty girl in the film

This is a film with C-string actors and a B-string script working in an industry that is well known for being tough with rare breaks.  It seems that this is such a B-film that they couldn’t cast an actor as the president — he had to be the vice president.  Frequently the dialogue lags, but then if the timing was better then this wouldn’t be a 97 minute film.  Between the costumes, props, and language the main characters give just enough of the right vibe to feel like Navy SEALs.  They even have operator beards, however I have never heard of an operator pony tail.  As for the zombies, they move fast, their makeup is pretty rabid, and when they attack they have their moments of intensity.

On a personal note…
Affliction Z - Patient Zero by L.T. Ryan
I loved to pick this up, I hated when I needed to put it down … but I fella has to sleep sometime.

Around the time of viewing Navy SEALs Vs. Zombies I was finishing reading “Affliction Z: Patient Zero” by L.T. Ryan.  In his book a team of SEALs are dropped into Nigeria to rescue a group of U.S. Army Rangers who went in earlier — and like the SEALs in this film, they get surprised by zombie afflicted people.  While this film is so-so, it gave a visual representation of similar fiction (just that I’ve enjoyed L.T. Ryan’s book much more)

Links

Movie, Review, Zombies

A Christmas Horror Story (2015)

1 Comment

Christmas is drawing near and things are melting down in the town of Bailey Downs … and at best, I rate A Christmas Horror Story as Yellow Puss.

A Christmas Horror Story clearly resides among its own as a B-film.  It attempts to interweave four horror stories, each of which to varying degrees have little if anything to do with Christmas myth.

If you pay closer attention to this pot-boiler than I did, allegedly the framework of these stories are tied together by a character named DJ Dangerous Dan — a lonely late-night radio personality, waxing on about how he loves Xmas while hitting the eggnog while getting understandably abandoned by the radio station staff.

Hi Bill!

DJ Dan is played by none other than James T. Kirk — clearly a retirement job following his service as Captain aboard the infamous Starship Enterprise … who is probably the only actor you will recognize.

First Story – Three teens break into their school to investigate two murders that occurred the previous year. They mysteriously get locked in the basement  and then — SURPRISE — the horror begins!  This story has nothing to do with Christmas.

Second Story – A husband, wife, and their son go into the woods to chop down a Christmas tree.  The son wanders off and gets switched for a changeling who mimics him and then — SURPRISE — the horror begins!  Aside from the Pagany changeling and Christmas tree, this story too has nothing to do with Christmas.  In other words, these first two stories are just FILLER to justify bringing William Shatner into the film and to bolster the other two stories into a 107 minute B-movie made in Canada.

Third Story – A yuppie family of four visit their elderly aunt and behave poorly.  This attracts the attention of Krampus and while on their way home they are picked off one at a time.  This is the first portion of the story where the filmmakers take liberties with Krampus mythos …. but then HolloWood has given us far worse.   As a result this story has a little to do with Christmas.

Fourth Story – A fittingly Nordic-looking Santa Claus is at his workshop preparing for a busy Christmas when he discovers that his elves and Mrs. Claus have turned into zombies.  He manages to kill them all and then for an unapparent reason Santa is then forced to fight Krampus.  This is where the filmmakers quite unfortunately took the most gross liberties with the Krampus character (AKA Black Peter).  Krampus gets turned into a villain — white hats, black hats … everyone needs a villain — the problem though is that in Krampus mythos he is only a threat to bad kids/people.  In fact, Krampus and St. Nick have always worked together — on Krampusnacht (Krampus night) around December 5th he arrived to punish children who have misbehaved while of course Saint Nicholas would reward well-behaved children with gifts.  In other words, when Krampus became suppressed his tasks were given to Santa who would ‘make his list of who’s naughty and nice’.

Links