Wow — sometimes I really hate this hobby … reviewing zombie films. Today I’m reviewing “The Battery” from 2012. According to All Things Horror on the cover of the DVD, this is “The first must-see zombie film in a hell of a long while.” If that’s the case, then we’ve been far more desperate than I was possibly aware.
So before I lay into The BAD-tery, let’s figure out a few things … more over, fail to. I can’t find who “All Things Horror” is online because the name is way too general. And when you cross your search-terms with “Battery” …. well, you get all-things horror and every brand cell in double-A, triple-A, C, D and so on.
What I can find is the usual Wikipedia, IMDb, and Rotten Tomatoes pages. So here’s the score … The film had a budget of $6000. It was shot in 15 days in Connecticut*, and the scenes were not planned in advance. There are only 6 zombies for the first hour of the film — that’s 1 zombie for every 10 minutes — so little that I’m not sure this can be called a zombie film. The film stars debut director Jeremy Gardner and co-producer Adam Cronheim. Allegedly their characters are two former baseball players trying to survive a zombie apocalypse — but they’re both so far out of shape clearly they were more likely T-ball coaches trying to hook up with single moms. Oh, and let’s not forget the gratuitous Z-film breasts …
(* For the record, I have nothing against Connecticut … at this time.)
Watch the extras — this actress said she hated doing the scene, dislikes the name her zombie is know by, and pretty much regrets the role …. and now there are pervy pictures and videos of her all over the net. Given the budget of the film … I doubt she even got a hundred bucks!
So let me give you my rating of The Battery, then tell you what is redeeming about it …
Long & Short, “The Battery” is lucky to get a Yellow Puss rating from me — think more of that putrid orange colour between yellow and red. It’s dull, it lacks zombies, it doesn’t seem to be going anywhere for an hour, and I’m not sure if it went any where 41 minutes later because I skipped through that part then shut it off. Frankly, you’ll find this on my “Zombie Films to Avoid” page.
The Battery isn’t completely garbage —
here’s what I liked about it …
If you’ve read my other Z-film blog posts you’ll know that one of the things is dislike is the constant use of The Journey story arc. This film doesn’t show the start or reasoning behind the “We have to get from Point-A to Point-B” — it just shows that the main characters are traveling through the zombie apocalypse (that mostly lacks zombies). Also, one of the characters is frequently making a bid for the duo to stop traveling — to stop being on pointless Journey arc. This is characteristic of what’s going on in The Battery — it is showing the human side of the experience, the relationship between the two men, that some people (understandably) seek normalcy. For me this is the redeeming part of the film, what makes watching the first hour bearable … er, I mean, vaguely worthwhile — not much other zombie media offers this.
Outside of that, I skipped the last 30 or 40 minutes of the film — and I think you’d be just as well off to skip all 101 minutes of this film. But … High Fives to Jeremy Gardner and Adam Cronheim — they got to live their dreams of making and staring in a zombie film and pretending they were baseball players. Whoopie-Doo!
Here … if you really have to, you can watch The Battery on Tubi.